Why Teaching Self-Control from a Young Age Matters
One of the most important—and most challenging—virtues to begin cultivating in young children is temperance. This virtue, which helps us control our desires and act with balance, does not appear suddenly in adulthood. It must be formed in childhood, slowly and lovingly.
Self-control, especially in little ones, may seem like an impossible goal. But it is possible, and it is essential. Most importantly, self-control becomes the groundwork for true temperance, a cardinal virtue praised in Scripture and upheld by the Church.
In this article, I want to help young Catholic parents begin teaching their children self-control in a way that is rooted in love, supported by grace, and guided by wisdom.
What is Temperance and Why Is It Important?
St. Thomas Aquinas writes in the Summa Theologica that temperance moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods. In simple terms, temperance helps us say “no” to things we want but shouldn’t have, and “yes” to things we should do even when we don’t want to.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church calls temperance one of the four cardinal virtues, along with prudence, justice, and fortitude (CCC 1809). These virtues are called “cardinal” because they are like hinges—every other virtue swings on them.
Without temperance, we cannot grow in holiness. It governs our eating, our speaking, our emotions, and even our use of time. And most importantly, it helps us form the habits that will protect us from falling into sin.
The Foundation of Temperance Is Self-Control
Temperance in a child begins as self-control. A toddler who learns to wait for a treat, to stop yelling, or to share a toy, is not just behaving well—he is forming the first habits of virtue. These small acts of self-mastery, when repeated daily, prepare the child to resist temptation later in life.
Aristotle, in his Nicomachean Ethics, teaches that virtue is formed by repeated action. We become temperate by practicing temperance. Therefore, the training must begin early, when the will is still pliable and the heart is open.
Self-control is not about repressing a child’s emotions or desires. It is about helping the child learn how to order them rightly. As Proverbs teaches, “A patient person is better than a warrior, and one who rules his spirit than one who takes a city” (Prov 16:32).
Start with the Very Young: Yes, Even Toddlers Can Learn
I often hear young parents say, “My child is too little to understand.” But the truth is that even toddlers can begin to learn restraint. They may not understand the word “temperance,” but they can understand boundaries.
For example, a mother can teach a toddler to wait quietly for a snack instead of screaming. She can help him learn to sit still for a short prayer. She can require him to hold her hand when crossing the street. Each of these small acts teaches him that his will is not the ruler of the world.
These lessons must be taught gently, but firmly. A child learns quickly what is expected of him. And he will thrive within the security of loving discipline.
Use Clear Expectations and Simple Consequences
Young children need clear rules and predictable outcomes. When we say “no hitting,” we must mean it. When we say “you must wait your turn,” we must follow through.
Most importantly, we must not make empty threats. A child quickly learns to ignore a parent who does not enforce rules. Consistent discipline, grounded in love, teaches the child that obedience matters.
Jesus said, “Let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ mean ‘No’” (Matt 5:37). Children are greatly helped when parents model this kind of firmness. It teaches them to trust what their parents say.
Teach Them to Delay Gratification
One of the simplest ways to teach self-control is to help children delay gratification. This means helping them wait for something good instead of demanding it immediately.
For example, if a child asks for a cookie, the mother might say, “You may have one after lunch.” If the child throws a tantrum, the answer becomes “no.” Over time, the child learns that patience brings rewards.
St. Augustine, in his Confessions, describes how his lack of self-control as a youth led him into serious sin. By helping children learn restraint early, we help protect them from future harm.
Model Self-Control Yourself
Children learn more from what they see than from what they hear. If we want our children to learn temperance, we must model it ourselves. This means speaking gently even when angry, avoiding unnecessary snacks, limiting screen time, and keeping to a prayer routine.
If we tell our children to control their tempers while we slam doors, they will notice. If we ask them to wait patiently while we interrupt others, they will imitate us. But when they see us struggle and succeed in self-control, they will be inspired.
Create Rhythms of Order in the Home
Self-control grows best in an environment of order. When a home has a rhythm to the day—set times for meals, naps, play, chores, and prayers—children learn that life has structure. This structure helps them regulate their desires.
A child who knows that dessert comes only after dinner will be more likely to wait. A child who hears the Angelus at noon each day will grow up feeling the rhythm of prayer.
Order does not mean rigidity. It means consistency. And consistency creates security, which in turn makes it easier for a child to learn restraint.
Don’t Be Afraid to Say No
In our modern culture, many parents feel guilty for saying “no.” They worry about hurting their child’s feelings. But children need parents who say “no” with confidence and love.
A child who always gets his way becomes selfish. But a child who hears “no” and accepts it, even with a few tears, is learning that he cannot always have what he wants. That is the beginning of wisdom.
Remember, the goal is not to make a child sad, but to help him grow in virtue. Jesus did not always say “yes” to those He loved. He sometimes delayed, and sometimes refused. But He always acted with love.
Encourage Generosity and Sharing
Sharing is one of the earliest ways children can practice temperance. When a child lets a sibling play with a favorite toy, he is giving up something he enjoys. That is a sacrifice, and it forms his heart.
Parents can help by praising acts of generosity, by reading stories that highlight selflessness, and by setting the example themselves.
One helpful tool is to create “giving opportunities”—times when a child is invited to choose something to give to another. Whether it is a toy, a treat, or a drawing, the act of giving helps train the will.
Use Scripture and Stories to Inspire
Children love stories. And stories can teach temperance in ways that sermons cannot. The Bible offers many lessons. Jesus’s forty days in the desert show the power of fasting and discipline. The story of Joseph in Egypt teaches patience and restraint.
Aesop’s fables also provide simple lessons. The story of the ant and the grasshopper teaches the value of self-discipline and preparation.
When we read these stories with our children and talk about them afterward, we plant seeds that grow into character.
Practice Small Acts of Discipline Daily
Temperance is not built in a day. It is formed through many small actions. A child who brushes his teeth without complaint is practicing discipline. A child who folds his hands during prayer is training his body and mind.
Encourage your child to try small acts of self-control each day. These could include waiting before eating, finishing a chore without being reminded, or sitting quietly in church. Over time, these habits become second nature.
Most Importantly, Pray for Grace
No amount of training can replace the need for grace. As Catholic parents, we must remember that virtue grows best in the soil of prayer.
Pray daily for your child’s growth in virtue. Ask the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, who raised Jesus Himself. Invite your child to pray for help when struggling with self-control.
Bring your children to the sacraments as often as possible. Confession and the Eucharist strengthen both parent and child. They are channels of the very grace needed for the battle of the will.
Closing Thoughts: Temperance Is a Gift to Your Children
Some parents worry that requiring self-control will make their children resentful. But the opposite is true. Children who learn discipline are happier, more peaceful, and more confident. They feel secure knowing their parents are guiding them well.
Teaching temperance is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. It prepares them to resist temptation, to make good choices, and to love rightly. It helps them become the people God made them to be.
Begin now, even if your children are very small. Be patient with them, and with yourself. Trust that every effort, every small correction, every kind but firm “no,” is forming a soul for heaven.
Mrs. Dania C. Michael, O.P.
Homeschool Support
Classical Liberal Arts Academy
Notes
Catechism of the Catholic Church. https://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM
St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica. https://www.newadvent.org/summa/
Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics. Translated by W.D. Ross. https://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.html
Augustine, Confessions and other writings. https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/
The Holy Bible, New American Bible, Revised Edition (NABRE). https://bible.usccb.org