Among Catholic parents, there exists a common problem that is rarely discussed openly but has serious consequences for the faith and maturity of their children. It is the habit of expecting children to live according to high ideals while failing to live by those same ideals themselves. Parents speak about the virtues of lifelong learning, disciplined work, diligent use of time, and the pursuit of holiness—but their own lives often do not bear witness to these exhortations. They teach with words, but not with example. Often, “being parents” is used as an excuse for neglecting these things, but this raises the question, “What does it mean to be a parent?”.
Failure to model the Catholic adult life is more than a minor inconsistency. It undermines the credibility of Catholic parenting, breeds cynicism in children, and fails to fulfill the essential purpose of parenthood: to lead children to adult life by modeling it. Children are not meant to be led by verbal instruction; they are meant to be led by the living example of their parents’ lives.
The Christian tradition has always understood that instruction is most effective when it comes from one who lives what he teaches. Our Lord, in His public ministry, did not simply tell His disciples to pray—He prayed. He did not merely tell them to serve—He served. He did not only speak of sacrifice—He offered Himself. This union of word and example is the model for Catholic parenting. Yet in our time, many Catholic parents have settled into a pattern where they expect growth, effort, and discipline from their children while excusing themselves from those same duties.
This article will examine this inconsistency in detail, exploring how it manifests in Catholic homes, why it is harmful, and what true modeling of the adult life requires. It will show that parenting is not a permanent occupation but a temporary stewardship in which parents are meant to lead their children into a fully developed adult life. If the adult life itself is not lived by the parents, it cannot be convincingly taught to the children.
The Ideal vs. the Reality
When Catholic parents speak to their children about the kind of life they (i.e., the children) should live, their counsel is often excellent in principle. They encourage diligence in studies, responsible use of time, obedience to superiors, generosity towards others and courageous living in the face of worldly peer pressure. They urge their children to read good books, think carefully about decisions, and persevere through difficulties. All of these are virtues worthy of pursuit.
However, the lived reality in many Catholic homes tells a different story. Parents who once studied, worked, read, and developed their abilities as young adults often slow or even stop these activities after the arrival of children. Their professional skills plateau. Their intellectual life dwindles. Their study of the faith becomes minimal. They are quick to say they “don’t have time” or “can’t manage” such pursuits anymore.
The message received by the children is unmistakable: adulthood is a time when one can set aside serious study and personal development. They see their parents’ lives as less disciplined, less curious, and less industrious than their own school years are expected to be. This inversion creates a double standard: the most effort is demanded from children, while adults live with reduced expectations.
The Consequences for Children
1. Loss of Credibility
Children, especially as they grow into adolescence, have an acute sense for hypocrisy. When they hear one standard preached and see another lived, they become skeptical of the words. They may comply outwardly while privately deciding that adulthood is a time when ideals can be quietly abandoned.
2. Distorted Vision of Adulthood
If children never see adulthood as a time of growth, they will naturally assume that life’s intellectual, professional, and spiritual heights are reached in youth. Adulthood then becomes merely about survival, comfort, and leisure—not living to fulfill one’s potential, i.e., to be “perfect” in the Christian sense.
3. Lack of a Tangible Model
Humans learn more by imitation than by abstract instruction. A child who sees his father rising early, reading the Scriptures, studying a subject, or practicing a skill learns that these things are not just artificial school activities—they are real life disciplines. Without this model, the child may complete his schoolwork but will lack a living pattern for integrating learning and diligence into adult life. He may check the boxes and look forward to the day when he gets to stop these things–like Mom and Dad.
The Catholic Understanding of Parenting
Catholic teaching makes clear that the duty of parents is not only to provide for the bodily needs of children but to educate them in the faith and prepare them for life in the world. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states:
“Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule.” (CCC 2223)
Notice that the Catechism speaks of “bearing witness.” This is not the same as giving orders. To bear witness is to show by one’s life what is true and good. A Catholic parent who demands study but does not study himself, or who demands industriousness but spends hours in idleness, fails to bear this witness.
St. John Chrysostom, in his homilies on parenting, repeatedly warns that children will imitate the actions of their parents more readily than their words. The home is the first school, and the parents are the first teachers—not primarily through lectures, but through the habits, attitudes, and priorities they live each day.
Parenting Is Temporary
One of the root problems is a mistaken view of the parenting role. Many parents treat the years of raising children as the whole substance of their adult life, as though their own development has ended and their only work now is to manage their children. This is disordered, no?
Parenting is a part, not the end, of the adult vocation. The years from the birth of the first child to the independence of the last may be long, but they are still a portion of life’s span. A man or woman is called to be more than a parent—he is called to be a Christian adult, a disciple of Christ, a contributor to the good of the Church and society, and a steward of his talents until the end of life.
When parenting is misunderstood as the whole of adulthood, personal growth halts. The parent focuses only on maintaining the home and directing the children’s activities, while neglecting his own formation and work. This not only impoverishes the parent’s life but deprives the children of a living example of mature adulthood.
Modeling the Adult Life
If Catholic parents are to truly lead their children to adult success, they must live that adult life in the present. This means continuing the very pursuits they hope their children will value:
1. Lifelong Learning
If you expect your children to value wisdom, you must show them what it looks like to seek wisdom as an adult. This means reading serious books, studying the faith, engaging in discussions, attending lectures, continuing formal studies, etc.. It is not enough to tell children that learning matters; they must see it in your habits to be persuaded of your sincerity.
2. Diligent Work
If you tell your children to work hard and use their time well, you must be visibly committed to your own work. This includes both professional duties and household responsibilities. Let them see you strive for excellence, not just minimum required performance, in your labors. “Paying the bills” is not the end of the Catholic life.
3. Use of Time
If you warn your children about wasting time, you must demonstrate what the fruitful use of time looks like. This means limiting your own entertainment and avoiding idleness, but instead filling time with necessary and productive activities.
4. Spiritual Growth
If you want your children to pray and grow in holiness, you must have a visible, disciplined spiritual life. This includes daily prayer, Mass attendance, regular confession, spiritual reading, and acts of charity.
The Excuses Parents Give
Parents often justify their lack of personal growth by pointing to the demands of child-rearing. “I don’t have time to read,” they say, or “I can’t pursue that skill because of the children.” While it is true that children require time and energy, the reality is that time for growth is available if it is valued. Many hours are spent in idle conversations, or in activities that do not contribute to spiritual or intellectual maturity.
Another excuse is that “this is just a season” and that serious pursuits can wait until the children are grown. But this approach misunderstands the nature of example: children are learning now. If they see you living without discipline now, they will assume that this is what adulthood is. You cannot teach them a different model later and expect it to have the same force–especially after they’ve made their own adult decisions based on their experience.
Restoring Integrity in Parenting
The solution is not complicated, though it requires humility and resolve. Parents must hold themselves to the same—or higher—standards they set for their children. They must consciously live in a way that, if imitated, would lead their children to a mature, fruitful adult life.
Practical Steps:
Set personal goals for reading, study, and skill development, and pursue them consistently.
Share your pursuits with your children: talk about what you’re learning, the challenges you face, and the progress you’re making.
Guard your time as zealously as you tell your children to guard theirs.
Invite your children into your work when possible, so they can see how you labor and why.
Model the Catholic life that your children may learn what a good adult life looks like, that it is practicable and can be imitated.
Conclusion
Catholic parents are entrusted with the task of disposing their children to the Gospel. This task cannot be accomplished through words alone. It demands a life that is itself a model of what is taught. Parenting is not the end of the Catholic life, but a part of it.
If we want Catholic children to grow into wise, disciplined, faithful adults, we must show them what such adulthood looks like—not in theory, but in the daily reality of our own lives. Anything less is a failure to bear witness to the truth we profess.
Mr. William C. Michael, O.P.
Headmaster
Classical Liberal Arts Academy
